i remember

as a child, i longed to be a mother. i loved my younger siblings. i wanted to feed them, and hold their hands. take care of them. i loved my sister's children; pretending they were mine.

so when i found out i was pregnant with my first it was a desire realized. i couldn't wait. i remember the moment when ceily was on my stomach, still connected internally and chris was holding my hand and touching our daughter...there was nothing more complete. and it was for forever.

when eddie was born my sister was there and she handed him to me and he was so pleasant and sweet and perfect and i was in love again with another boy.

lana came along quietly. the hospital room was quiet. just chris and i. and a beating heart. it was joy. just the two of us. then came three. with much peace. i remember holding lana as we prepared to bless her with a name, wondering what mother mary thought as she bore her sweet christ child. did she really know what would come? and how she would weep?

noah was last. and it kind of broke my heart that we were done. i wasn't going to do this ever again. and i tried to savor it. we were alone again. no family visitors in our hospital room. no extra loving hands. no name chosen. no pain medicine. he came so fast and furious! he hasn't stopped. he keeps getting older. and i can't slow it down. no matter what i do. because he's "not a baby anymore!"

and i think of my mom. her example. her voice. her hands. her love.

i want to be like her.

i never dreamed my babies would grow up and keep growing and want to be grown. desiring for babies of their own?

so yesterday afternoon, i sat down, and called: "ok. who's first? who gets to rub my feet first?"
they all took a turn and i enjoyed each little hand. tiny fingers. touching my skin. hoping it would last forever.

it didn't.
but i'll remember.