hope

i've been thinking a lot lately. for over a year actually. not that i never thought before that, of course. it's that this year has been a trial for me. a trial dumped into my lap. something i would never imagine me experiencing. and it's not over.

at first, i was calm. i really didn't have anything to worry about. it seemed easy enough to handle. but it turned out to be a bigger problem. and it was hard not to worry. all. the. time. and i did. i worried, and as i worried it affected who i was. it affected the mother i was. it affected my daily interactions. it affected my sleep. it was hurting me. and i just couldn't let it go.

i remember being in the car alone, talking to my mother. crying actually. "jayne, you just need to turn it over to the lord," she said. and i told her i had been trying, but obviously i didn't know how.

i guess the problem i was having was not knowing the outcome. my prayers were many and always. they asked heavenly father to help us. to protect us. to guide us. to be with us. to tell us. and of course i know he's there. i know he's listening. he's guiding. he's with me. i know this.

but things kept coming up. and up. and up. it was turning out to be a not so quick resolution. the original bump in the road was becoming a mountain. and apparently i don't handle mountains very well.

i turned to my scriptures. something i'm not too good at anymore. they aren't my daily routine. i turned to romans and read about hope.

"for we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? but if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

it sounds cliche, but, i knew the lord was answering my many prayers. he was speaking to me and answering my pleadings. he wasn't going to give to me the direct answers. i wasn't going to audibly hear him speaking to me with the exact resolution. i had to be patient. i had to have hope. hope that we would see this through and things would get resolved. eventually.

i guess, growing up reading the scriptures, i was expecting a tangible witness. a miracle.
i didn't want my water turned to wine. i didn't need a resurrection. i just wanted to KNOW everything was going to be ok.

i've received my answer. it's not a voice telling me all is well.

it's a feeling of hope. i have hope that we will be fine. it's not going to be over any time soon. so now i have patience. patience with hope brings solace and comfort.

i do feel as if i have given this situation to the lord. my thoughts aren't entirely filled with dread. i don't have the yucky pit in my stomach feeling. i can go days without worrying about this. i don't know exactly what is in store. but i do know we will be taken care of and the lord will be there. he's given me that hope.

hope brings happiness.

i feel happy again.