my tradition

december is always fun. it's exciting getting ready for the big night. shopping, baking, wrapping, telling stories of the man in red, preparing to bring gifts. giving gifts to friends, family and others. listening to lists of wishes. thinking of personal wishes. listening to christmas music. every year is just as exciting as the last.

i have a personal tradition at the beginning of each christmas season. as i unpack the decorations and all the christmas books, i take time to sit and read The Day They Gave Babies Away. this year, i sat alone, cuddled up on my couch, and read about the 10 year old boy, who gave his sisters and brothers away on christmas morning because he had promised his mother before she died, that he would find good families for each child. as i was reading, chris walked into the room, beginning to ask a question. i looked up, with tears streaming down my face, he laughed, shook his head and walked away. this happens every year.

a couple weeks later, lana and noah sat with me, one on either side, and

i read the same story. of course i cried. "mom, i almost cried too;" said lana. noah had fallen asleep, and as he woke, he stated he was lucky he didn't have to listen and cry. (one day noah. one day...)

"mom, what are you reading? oh that book that makes you cry every year."

"oh, ceily said you cry every time you read that book."

"why do you cry? what's it about? what makes you cry so hard?"

no one understands my tradition of reading and weeping.

before i settle down to read, i always wonder if i will cry. i've re-read this same story, for years, ever since i was a little girl. at first my mom would gather us around her and read and weep. i would listen, and wonder, as my children do, why she was crying, reading the sad story. later, that one christmas came and my mother gifted me my own copy. i remember taking that copy, climbing into bed and as i began reading, i began crying, just like my mother.

i have read that same book every year since. i have wept every single time.

maybe next year, ceily and eddie will receive their own copies under the christmas tree. maybe one year they will understand.